Leprechauns Busted for Illegal Food Coloring in Green Beer, St. Patrick’s Day Will Be Less Fun This Year
Partygoers will be having much less fun this St. Patrick’s Day as the supply of green beer is drastically reduced thanks to the FDA’s crackdown on the illegal colorants used to make the beer green. Hundreds of leprechauns were busted Monday in the largest multi-agency food-related bust in the last 30 years. The FDA and special agents from OCI, FBI and another unnamed federal agency partnered together to mount a full-scale offensive on the secretive underground world of leprechaun green-beer brewing. The raid took place simultaneously at 5 different sites located near the port of Baltimore. A statement from the FDA stated that there were numerous secret tunnels, warehouses and breweries located underground and connected by a system of rainbow-colored conveyor belts. Officials said they also found a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow valued at approximately $1.5 million. Leprechauns do not need to file with the IRS since they have resident alien status but officials believe that the gold is a result of illegal activities and therefore seizable property.
Seamus O’Chuggity, Spokesman for the Leprechaun Spirits Association (LSA), said in a statement Tuesday that, “We won’t be standin’ for this not one bit. The right to drink me green beer is a right that no government shall be a takin.” This isn’t the first time that the FDA has intervened in leprechaun food production and facilities. In 1988 the FDA, in conjunction with U.S. Customs, seized 400,000 pounds of chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil, citing the fact that they had been brought into the country illegally and never declared. They also contained no labeling or Nutrition Facts information.
“Aye, I’m shocked and burnin’ with rage,” said one leprechaun who agreed to talk to us under the condition of anonymity. “So we be makin’ some booze and havin’ a good time, what’s so wrong with that?” he said in a phone interview earlier this week. Although not released to the public, some sources in the food industry say that Carbendazim was found on the barley that some leprechauns imported to use in their beer making. Carbendazim was recently in the news as some shipments of orange juice from Brazil tested positive for the fungicide residue chemical. Pesticide use is completely prohibited in “green” advertising, which is a core part of leprechaun-related advertising.
In an official press release issued Tuesday the FDA went on record that they acted in the best way possible to protect the American public.
Illegal colorants and the illegal manufacture of alcohol in unregistered facilities is unsafe and will not be tolerated, even if those making the alcohol are cute green creatures. The FDA is committed to protecting the American food supply and we will not tolerate any holiday-related merrymaking that dabbles in illegal colorants or ingredients. Malachite Green, an illegal colorant that is currently on Import Alert, was found in numerous samples of the green beer as well as some candies and chocolates being manufactured in the same facility.
An anonymous source within the FDA claimed that the bust had more to do with the fact that the LSA frequently drives by FDA’s headquarters and throws eggs at it every St. Patrick’s Day, an ongoing expression of anger stemming from the 1988 chocolate coin fiasco (Coin Day as leprechaun’s call it). Officials at FDA would not comment about this particular issue but did state that under the Food Safety Modernization Act they would only be increasing their interest in the activities of leprechauns and their green beer and rainbows.
“We know for a fact that the leprechauns are building a Weapon of Mass Confection,” said an official from homeland security in a phone interview Tuesday. “We’ve confiscated their chocolate coins, we’ve shut down their green beer bootlegging and now we’re going to put an end to all their illegal tasty treats once and for all.” Bar owners in the Baltimore area have called for a moment of silence at 3am on St. Patrick’s Day to call attention to the atrocities against leprechauns… and lack of green beer.
*Disclaimer: No, this is not real. Happy St. Patrick’s Day.